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06 May 2012

Childless, Married, 40, and Angry, Sad, Numb, You Name It


What's Your Story?

I am 40 years old, married for 12 years, and childless. We tried fertility treatments on and off to no avail for a number of years, and I finally got pregnant after my first round of IVF at 37, with triplets. Going into my 6th month I developed a rare life-threatening infection (sepsis), almost died, and lost the babies. It was horrific, and I still have nightmares.

I tried several more rounds of IVF (unsuccessful), endured a number of painful surgeries, and ended up needing a hysterectomy last year. So, that's it for having a child for me, at least through that route.

And now I've discovered that my husband does not want to adopt, and the bottom-line is that he doesn't even want to have a kid at all. When it comes right down to it, he doesn't want to be responsible for anyone other than himself. Never did. He doesn't want me to quit work or cut back on my hours to take care of the child, nor does he, he just doesn't want to be a provider. Never did. Period.

In fact, he has nothing but disdain for the whole family thing. He makes fun of "mom jeans" and mini-vans and Docker Dads. I went along with the jokes for years, maybe because it made it a little easier for me to deal with not getting pregnant every month. But now I realize, he was serious. He really does think he's too cool for all that "family crap."

I guess I should have figured this all out years ago. He kept putting off having a child, and when I finally insisted on us trying as I was facing serious health issues, getting older, and I knew the window on my fertility was rapidly coming to a close, he went along with it. But now that I can't have a baby I think he is relieved and the truth is coming out. He never wanted any of it.

He wants to be the cool guy, the artist, the musician. Seen the movie Juno? Yep, that's me, and that's him. I rented that movie in a hotel room when it first came out (I travel a lot for my job), and it freaked me out. Literally.

So, now that I am 40, do I leave my husband and pursue having a child on my own? That's not quite the picture I had in my head... single mom in her 40s. And now I am a high-powered executive, so I'd have to quit my job I guess, so how would I do it on my own?

How did I let this happen?

Sometimes I am angry, and I mean in an absolute rage.

Sometimes I am so sad that I actually fantasize about dying on a business trip. Quick, painless, and most of all, over.

But most days I am just numb. Going through the motions, working myself into the ground everyday at a job I hate to pay for my big beautiful empty house.

And off he goes to band practice.

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