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01 September 2013

How To Recruit Ladies For The Lesbian "Lifestyle"

So, they do recrut.

Although there's few better recruitment tactics than seeing a previously very publicly straight, publicly unhappy woman (who recently told Harpers Bazaar that she's bisexual but not a lesbian) look happy on the arm of an equally happy lady-partner, the British magazine Gay Times recently asked a number of advertising firms to come up with advertisements to do what the LGBT community has too often been accused of: recruit Breeders for the Gay Lifestyle. 

Unfortunately, they were all focused on straight men — and several of them were about why it sucks to date women. But what about putting some L in the LGBT recruiting agenda?Although a straight woman myself, my prior career was in lobbying — so I pretty much got paid to convince people to do stuff they didn't necessarily want to do. 

That's advertising, right? While I can't quite do the graphic design work that went into Gay Times' man-pussy ad or its "women are all stupid, frightening bitches" ad or even any of its three "get laid more" ads, I can push out a list of talking points like a mofo. 

So, following are the talking points lesbians really need to start using to recruit more women to the Sapphic Lifestyle.
  • Breasts are fun. They just are.
  • You know how you used to fish for compliments about your shoes from your boyfriend? Yeah, don't worry about it.
  • You'll never have to smell schweaty balls again.
  • You know you always kiss a guy after he goes down on you, so you can't claim squeamishness.
  • When you cry, your girlfriend won't try to make fix the problem, she'll just let you have your feelings.
  • Double your wardrobe, double your fun.
  • Body hair maintenance really is optional.
  • Rachel Maddow. You know you want her.
  • No woman will ever try to use her teeth on you during oral.
  • And, if you're really one of those girly-girls who is super into the Dream Princess Wedding, there's only one thing to say: two wedding dresses.

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